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I wrote this letter to a friend for a personal quest to understand something I am losing. You might find this a bold move or you may not like this but I have to find some answers to questions that have been bothering me for a while. Yeah, I can ask a priest, my husband, or someone else but I chose Franz. Almost a decade ago, I remember him saying something about faith that caught my attention and made me pause for a minute. My quest to understand Mary’s role in the church reminds me of that moment. Please bear with me. I am not a hateful Christian, I just want to express.

Dear Franz,

I don’t think praying to Mary makes sense anymore. Please forgive me for traversing the doctrine of our religion. I lost it. Maybe because I find more sense in an article from another religion’s magazine I read a few years ago. Or maybe because nobody can point a single verse in the Bible that says we should worship her. I don’t even think praying the rosary is worth it because it’s all about Mary and less about Jesus. There is a verse in the Bible about repeated prayer being unnecessary. I found praying novenas even not worth it, too. I believe praying from the heart is much better and actually gives you a sense of relief after saying it. Desiderata says to be at peace with God, whoever I perceive him to be. I perceive him as a big-hearted guy who loves me. He’s an entity who decides on his own and no one knows what he will do contrary to the usual berating of the oldies “masuko ang ginoo ana” as if they know him that much. I believe that my God is someone who gives me what I deserve not what I desire. I have no hatred over Mary whatsoever. I just find the worshipping part not biblical. I know this is bold but I think the Catholic made her a vain person. We never met Mary but we know she’s Jesus’s mom. She’s been described as humble, beautiful, full of grace, prayerful. Then how come, this time, she wants us to pray to her? Did she really say that to the three children in France? Are we just making an idol out of her? I don’t pray to the saints, either. I know I have become someone so unCatholic. The saints do inspire me because they keep their faith until the end.

Please enlighten me. I have no other person to go ask about this. This has been in my vein for more than two years and I need to find answers if what I am thinking is correct or should I lose faith. I don’t even like to go to church (sa ato). I find the homily nonsense and I long for a better understanding about our religion. I have questions popping out of my head and I can’t find the answers like why is Jesus’s teenage life not in the Bible? Is it not worth printing? But the biggest issue for me right now is Mary. I am a mother and I was taught as a child to look up to her and pray to her because she is the mediatrix. But Jesus said he is the way, the truth and the light and that no one can get to the Father except through him. It confuses me every time I think about these things. However, I am compelled to think because I want to establish something in me, something I’m not sure about and wanted to find out. I hope you understand my dilemma.

Please don’t get mad at me.

Thank you for your time. I hope you can give me answers.

** Someday, I will post what I have learned from this quest…

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