Posts Tagged ‘love’

diri sa balay

Anhia ko diri sa among balay…

ganahan ko kitang duha diri mopahuway

gahuwat tawn…


nalata na ang lingkoranan nga kahoy

kilid sa bintana

nalaya na ang mga masitas

puti na kaha ni akong buhok?

nifade na ni akong purol


apan ang panahon milabay lang

molabay lang

nangalaya og nangaguba na tanan

apan naghuwat gihapon

kung usbon natog acting

di ko molakaw

maghuwat ra ko sa kilid sa bintana


hangtod kanus-a…

pwede ra pud sa next life

basta sure ko

maghuwat ko sa lingkuranan

kilid sa bintana


kung moanhi ka

remember, guba ang ring


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Last week eight years ago, I whined to my mother-in-law about how stressful it was to arrange my own wedding and how I wished her son would do something to help. It was a help-me whine. However, I wasn’t answered with a reassuring statement. Her answer, to this day, brings the horrible truth about my marriage—“My son is not ready to get married.”

Who’s ready? I wasn’t ready, I didn’t even want to get married. I did because I was pregnant and my parents were pushing me to do it for dignity, reputation, and whatsoever cultural reasons they shoved into my face. So there I was, bulging and unsure about the rest of my life, trekking the way toward marriage. In fairness to us, the couple, we have decided to get married right after college. He promised to help me get my parents’ house in good shape. But that was that. No prenup agreements, no financial discussions, non whatsoever. It was a whirlwind of events in one year—we got married in a civil wedding that January, our eldest was born that April, and we got our church wedding that July. So much for Orange County and its lyrics.

Today marked the eighth year of our marriage, as said. He’s working today; I took the day off. I care about celebrating our anniversary. It could be the restart button. He might be thinking about it, but I can’t seem to penetrate his indifferent personality. Believe me,  I am trying that indifference for years now, but I still don’t get it. I shake that mode off whenever I go to work and am with the children.

There was a post about marital relationship that greatly shook me. I have a lot of mistakes in this marriage too. It’s just that I don’t feel whole anymore. I feel a hole in my heart is getting bigger everyday. Yes, my relationship to my husband could get better. But it takes two to tango. And the truth, I don’t want to tango anymore. I want to sit down and talk and make sense of what this life would be in the near future. I don’t want to be pushed around, shouted at, made small, emotionally bullied, and heartbroken. A house stands alone for two years without us inside it. Paying for it was an inspiration. I made a lot of plans for it, a happy family living in it, a home where my family would wade through deep water just to get there because it’s home, and  me a homemaker. Now, it’s just a hollow structure, hollowing my pocket.

Marriage is going into the bore level. I am sorry to say. Yeah, yeah… do this and that. Well, I’ve been there and that and did this and that, and I’m truly tired of this not-so-merry-go-ride. I am confused. 

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I know this might sound unfair to my husband that he’s not in the title. Well, for one, he doesn’t want me to stop working. I understand the inner plea of help to finance our little family–he’s too cute to say that.

Last month was a turmoil. Inside. The world can still hear my Sharon Cuneta laugh. However, deep inside, the war between being a full-time mom and a working mom is at its peak. All the while, I wanted to tell my husband I’d like to stop working and be with the kids. While all that time, I was trying to convince myself to go on with my job–the job I never dreamed of having.

Whoever dreamed of designing books? Really, I think no one unless you’re in college and your degree is related to designing or publishing. But this job made my day. This job rocks! This job–book layout or designing the interior of a book–is a subconscious dream that came true; and the pay, my friend, is great. Literally, the pay is fat; and figuratively, the pay is awesome–I get my name printed in every book I get to design. How cool is that?

One more side of the job is that this is me and mine. This is something that I am passionate with. This is something I can tell my grandkids about. Something I can show my kids I can do with confidence and with a happy smile. This is the me my mother knows as her daughter. She’s always overwhelmed about the books I and my sister read and have since grade school days.

The other side of this coin is my kids–the life of my life. The two things I would not alter if I’d be given a chance to get inside a time machine. With work between them and me, I feel guilty most of the time. Guilty that I can’t be there with them during the day like other moms. Guilty that I can’t send to and fetch them from school everyday like other moms. Guilty that when they get home from school, they won’t find me there waiting for them. Guilty that I don’t cook for them because we don’t have our own kitchen, our very own home yet.

I feel the need to stop working to be with the kids–to be a real mom to them. Apparently, this is the modern era where moms go out to work and not manage the household. I explained to each of my kids why I have to go to work everyday whenever they cry and hug my leg on my way out. They find it quite absurd to work so I can buy them toys, clothes, food, video games, and to pay for tuition. Papa has to do that part, they say. How I wish life is as easy as that. But no. It’s not. But what’s there to do? Win the lottery?

What I have come up to appease my ever-growing guilt is to believe that everything is temporary. The kids will grow and the needs will not be the same as they are right now. I know more will be expected from each of us, but that thought is being held in the back of my mind as of the moment. Right now, I have to focus on getting my daily goals on track so I can come home with more energy than before. With that, I can spend hours with the kids before we retire at night. Because I can’t send  them off to school in the morning, I will fetch them from school in the afternoon. Because I can’t cook for them during weekdays, I will cook for them during weekends. We can spend an hour for assignments together each night and watch movies on Friday and Saturday nights. Do some art and other crazy things on Sunday mornings and nap together in the afternoons. Sounds simple, and in reality a difficult sked to keep. But God helps to those who make things work out. I know and I believe.

I can’t quit from work, and I can’t take my kids for granted. They need me. God gave them to me as my charges, my responsibility. I take care of them because I’m their mom. But there are other needs to be met too. Most of these are for them and for their future. I know they understand. They’re smart kids.


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moi map!

December 21, 2012
31 years on earth

I received the most wonderful book ever! It’s unbelievably pink and pretty. It came as a surprise; the giver, more surprising.

This proves that the Mighty One above gives what a heart desires, in a way. I still believe he gives what we deserve rather than what we desire. He knows my quest and he knows just what I need. Why now? Why after all these years of wanting to have my own Bible, he decided to give it to me on my birthday? Perhaps, it’s time because right now, I have this need to know him. There’s this inner push to know him more and to know my purpose. Without anyone’s coaching or convincing, my heart seeks his presence. It’s time I should believe, search, and understand my life and his love with my own decision to do so.

I have heard many testimonies about experiences of finding peace with God—life-changing experiences. I listened to them all—half-believing, half-sleeping. They did not matter to me before. I didn’t have those experiences; I cannot understand. I don’t have it yet, until now, but it doesn’t matter. I am on a quest and this might lead me to an experience similar to theirs.  The quest to quench my thirst for knowing him more is not even halfway, or how should I know? I don’t even know where I am going. I need a guide. All of these questions and searching for answers will be in vain if I won’t hold my ground first, if I won’t have a map and a guide.

Then, there it is… so pink with a butterfly on the front cover—my map and my guide!

Thanks to Charles!


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by 21st of December…

I would be 31. Awesome. Just when I’m starting to get the hang of things, a worldwide scare is on. How would I even celebrate if it’s really the end of the word, or humanity, in that case?  lol.

The 30th year of my habitation on earth was a start of everything for me. No, I didn’t get pregnant—that would be my third. It was a beginning of an awakening. Call it maturity or consciousness… I don’t really have a term for it.

I started to see things differently, like I laugh when my husband gets mad. I’m not mad or something. I just find him amusing when he’s angry with the same things over and over again like it was his first time to do it. I don’t get angry with the same thing more than twice. If I can’t change it the way it should work for me, I’d just let it be. Too much worries equals wrinkles.

I started to know what I want from each situation, from each experience. That feeling you’re up to something but you can’t be sure what it is–now I can point a finger to it. I now know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a homemaker and everything that comes with it, even earning. My mom’s influence must be very strong. I didn’t feel that we were left out as kids physically by our mother. Though she would critic on our handmade cards and our drawings, she loves us all the same. I don’t want to be forever in the rat race of moms earning a living, coming home tired and grumpy from a day’s work. I am doing that now, unfortunately. I take a nap in the jeepney on my way home so I won’t be that bone-tired when I get home. Thinking happy thoughts and planning what to do during the night helped to avoid the unnecessary chaos. I long for the day I’d be a homemaker. It would really affect the finances, but there are a lot of ways to earn. I also want to travel and paint and write letters and send them to the post office. There’s email, but there’s more essence to a message when it’s handwritten and the enveloped lick-shut with a pretty postage stamp on it. I will write to my friends who are living or working in other countries. That will surprise them!

I started to understand my parents. I used to say they were heartless and won’t give me the chance to have a better life. Now that my eldest is able to communicate his feelings and opinions very well, there is this great need to come home and ask my mom what to answer or what to do. I came to understand that they are human, just like everybody else. When they got together and produced eight kids, I can only imagine what’s in their minds. I now understand that they need a break from the rearing and caring. They didn’t give us much because they didn’t have real jobs, but my parents gave us independence and perseverance and humility and discipline. I did not see these things before. But now, I realized they were doing the best they could with the resources available to them. They made mistakes, they decided too late, they didn’t earn enough; but they didn’t give up on us either. They’re still together after all the hardships. I can see in my dad’s eyes that he loves my mom more than I can comprehend. My mom loves us more than herself; otherwise, she could have left us. I remember all the sacrifices known to me that my mom did. I am really thankful for her patience. Because of her, I am still with my family. To just give up is something I cannot imagine my mom would do nor approve of. I learn from her that everything is temporary even though she’s been struggling herself for more than two decades.

I started to love myself. Really love myself. Because of this, I am able to show and share love to my family. I live by the saying “You cannot give what you do not have.”

I started to forgive from the bottom of my heart. It’s totally difficult to let go of the past that wounded you deepest. But that’s what it is…the past. There is no time machine you can use to go back and slap the heck out of those people who caused you pain. There’s just moving forward.

I started to be honest with myself. Have I been lying to myself all these times? Not really. It’s like I used to deny that I’m not okay, that I’m not bleeding, that I have not changed though that change was evident and not good. I denied I was bitter. Well, nobody told me I was bitter, but I knew. I just brushed the idea off my head. I laugh all the time. What made me change course? I really don’t know. It just came to me that I’m not okay and this pain in my heart is still here and it will take maybe forever to erase. Being honest with myself gives me a new perspective. I can now handle the negatives. I now know how to act and react, maybe not too properly, but at least I know how to keep peace within me.

I started to read and write again! After a lot of books were left unread and dusty; I decided to read each and finish one after another. I’m going to make a book review for each. 🙂

I could list a few more, but I’d stick to the list above.

So, by December 21st, I’m ready to learn more and have more adventures. Perhaps, it’s time to travel and write documentaries.

I am now a year older and wiser, permit me to say.


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rainbow cake
for my darling
the girl of my dreams
the alter ego
i so love to be
yet, i can never

she can fit in my shoes
i cannot in hers
her world seems complicated
with all of her whims
filled with wailings, stumping and pouting

how i wish
i could curl up like her
snug and suck a thumb
ask a lullaby, hug tight
kiss goodnight

ah, but the candy world
will soon wave good-bye
and like a song, it will end
slipping through my fingers
the rainbow cake, Taylor Swift
and me singing her a lullaby

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just Love

It’s easy to say it. It maybe easy to do or show it too. It’s as broad as the universe and as deep as a sigh. One thing I have learned about love is to never declare it if you can’t keep it. Yeah, people change and feelings go along with that change. But all I know, love just don’t fade that easily.

I believe in loving from afar because you cannot and should not say the L word to that person. It’s not because of cowardice or fear. It’s just a choice. You cannot hold her because someone else is holding her hand. All you can do is to stare at her back and smile when she faces you. All you can do is believe in the future–the uncertainty of the future. All there is to think is the day everything will fall into place and you can be together.

What if you will just say it? No questions, no pre-meditations–just that magical moment when you press buttons and form those words or stare at her eyes and say it all.

Declaring love means commitment. The moment you say it, you know you are bound to keep that love. Once you’ve said it, it’s the beginning of a journey. You’re there. Keep the wheel turning, drive through the humps and the smooth spots. It won’t be an easy ride. No matter what her feelings might be, you are bound, under that spell, and your friends will laugh and will try to pull you out of it.

The one thing there is for you is utter happiness–the bittersweet type.

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