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Posts Tagged ‘religion’

I have always believe there is God. Not because the idea was taught to me, but because I know that there’s someone up above watching over us every minute. I can feel his presence when I’m down and when I’m happy. When times are good or bad, I know he let me be. He’s a just father—never pushing too much, never lacking care and love. 

Then came a certain moment in my life where I questioned everything about religion and the upheld doctrines, traditions, and practices. That time, I felt that I was deceived, mocked upon because something inside me told me that the religion is of good cause but there is something wrong with what the religious do. I stopped going to church because I felt it useless to go there with a heavy heart towing two kids while the husband barks blames on me for being late on the way to mass. I felt less a person, not worthy to go to church. I decided to stop believing. I stopped being a person. I was transformed into a nagging beast, full of revenge in my heart. Then one day, I don’t know when, I changed. I decided to change. I decided to let God come and find me. I knew I was lost, thus the decision to stay put from my wild wanderings, and wait silently. I waited for myself to heal. I knew I can only do it with patience. I know God was with me. He’s pulling me back on track when I stray away. This journey toward healing of my inner self and toward spirituality took a toll. I wasn’t able to teach my kids the wonders and love of God. I didn’t talk to them about God. I was so engrossd with myself, I forgot my kids.

However, God is true. He exists. He finds a way into every soul’s heart.

Last night, my eight-year-old declared, “Ma, Pa, we should pray before going to sleep tonight.”

Maybe they were taught at school. Maybe he was afraid of nightmares. But the biggest and most reasonable maybe is: maybe because God is with him. He found a way to get inside my son’s innocent heart and his love shone brightly it reached us. 

Beautiful, isn’t it?

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Last night, my husband was downloading some videos about the life of a late great man—Pope John Paul II. With his recent miracle, my husband’s fervor about the man’s greatness burned anew. He wanted a night of film showing about the late Pope’s life.

While the video was showing the time when the late pope’s mom died, my husband said that the pope’s mom introduced him to the devotion to Mary. Out of the blue, I came to ask, “Why not a devotion to Jesus?” It was a question not meant to discredit Mary. I was a question, period. However, he launched the litany of people came to Mary for intercession, why Mary was chosen as the mother of God, how other religions discredit Mary of her role in salvation. This lead up to the point where he told me that when one claims he is a member of a religion but does not practice so, it would be easier to bend and move to other religions because of lack of faith and foundation.

Mary is a source of inspiration. A fountain of hope. She is worthy of all the titles in the litany. But I don’t pray the rosary. I believe in Mary and her unchangeable role in our salvation. I would like to be her follower, but she cannot be my master. I do not pray to her, but I ponder upon her life as a woman and as a mother. 

My next question, “So what would you do?” He misunderstood the meaning of the query, so I explained to him, “You know well the doctrines of the Roman Catholic. You can expound very well and have the charisma to teach the basics of being a Catholic, what would you do? You are given the talent to teach. Why not spread what you know and believe in?”

“Nobody will attend an adult catechism class. Not here in Kolo,” he answered. 

“Wouldn’t that be a wonderful challenge? Jesus was not patronized in his hometown. So spread somewhere else.” I told him. Given his talent, he would be more productive if he places himself in the field than in the office. It is a great challenge to reeducate the adult community. We can say that we can’t teach old dogs new tricks. But we can unlearn to learn it again in a new light, guided with the truth and faith in Jesus. It may take a lot of patience and time to take the insights in, but it’s always worth the try. 

My husband and I are as different as day and night, even in religious views. He’s a devout Catholic. I almost came to the point of moving to another religion. He’s well-versed with the doctrines, the order of the mass, the way of things in the church, etc. I question everything there is. I don’t talk to him of my steps in reacquainting myself to Catholicism. He would not understand, I know. But the common thing between us with regards to the religion where we belong to is the passion to know and understand more. He may be in level 78, I’m in level 2; but it does not matter. Spirituality is a lifetime learning process. We all should move up to another level and never stagnate.

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I know it rests upon the mother’s care to teach the kids about spirituality and religion. At this point, I cannot teach them anything because I don’t know anything yet. Yes, I know this and that; but I want to teach my children the truth because I found and know and believe the truth, not because someone shoved it to my brain when I was young. The only thing I can tell them is that God is not an angry God, and that they should not believe when the grannies tell them that “masuko si God ana.” This could be a subjective statement, but I believe God is not a tyrant but is love. I don’t want to tell them that Jesus is this and that. I am waiting for them to discover that inner quest to know that someone up there is watching us. It may come years later. It may come sooner. I may not be ready to answer their questions. I trust and have faith in God’s generous heart and great wisdom to show me how to answer in truth.  

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Though Untimely

It happens I’m still lost. I never gave a thought about your natal day, actually. The people who loves you remind me of it. At a couple of posts, I gave away to tears. I cannot still get you in me. I am still guarded, walled, and full of doubt. I cannot see what they have seen. I cannot feel what they are feel for you. I cannot fathom what it is, I cannot. Please do not shake me beyond what I may not be able to contain. I seek you. Please come to me. Please let me know, give me a sign.

Why can’t I see you like your son? Why do you remain a human to me? Why can’t I believe in anything everybody believes in? I do not want to pretend. I have changed my values and the gauge of faith I should have on certain matters. Why did you fell on that category? I used to believe so much in you or did I? I do not want to lie to myself nor the people around that I revere you as much as they do. No, I am not comparing. I am envious even. Envious because they see you as their mother and worthy of worship; I do not.

I do not want to worship you. I want you to be my friend, my mother, my mentor, my teacher. 

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