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Posts Tagged ‘self’

to march out of March
and leave without a trace
but no, I won’t
however you spell
persuasion

once I was told
to sleep with loneliness
to find the true companion

twice I was told
to leave love behind
to behold something more divine

thrice and more
I was told and sold
to uncertainty
to succumb the typical
to gamble and risk
with an assurance
of personal experiences

all the time in the world
all the chances are mine
all the possibilities played
and I must play

yet

he is my friend
I cannot leave a friend behind.

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How are you? How are you doing?

The social media sites are a superb communication tool for people who are far away from each other, even those who have not seen each other for a week. Have you noticed, we have this amazing default greeting—or question—when we start communing: How are you? How are you doing? Of course, you do. We ask this every time.

Isn’t it heartwarming to hear someone who wants to know how you’re doing? There might be people who ask merely because that’s how it is, but all the same, I treat that question a reality check.

When someone asks “How are you?” the even more default answers are “I’m fine” and “I’m good.” Are you really doing fine? Are you really doing good? I have read from a post that when women say they’re doing fine or good, they are actually not.  Why do we have to answer the default? Because we’re not that close with the person? Because we don’t want them to worry? Why hide the truth?

I use these questions as a reality checker. Am I really okay? When I’m not, I say so to those who are close to my heart. They would know why or ask why, anyway. I know they understand why I’m not okay. They have known me for years.

On the other hand, when someone I know asks me, I visit the time of my life where I met that person and answer from there. I might be feeling down at that time, but I just can’t say I’m such a mess.  I met a wonderful mom when I was with a newspaper company. She’s now living abroad and she asked me how I’m doing. I’m doing good with regards to my career, so I answered her that I’m doing well. It’s the truth. In a way, because I said I’m doing great, I feel great. I hold on to that positive feeling that I’m actually doing good even though there are certain areas in my life that sucks right now.

We have a choice to answer the areas in our lives we are actually doing good—career, love and relationship, studies, finances, etc. If not all, one or two of these aspects should be doing good.  We tend to hide the real status because it might sound routine or overwhelming to others and they don’t know us that way or have come to know us that way and we try to mask it. Anyway, when we’re happy, we answer away with a smile! However, at times when we are down and the question pops, it can help us feel good to say, “I’m okay.” Then, we really mean it. It might suddenly hit us that we can be okay and we can start at that moment.

The next time someone asks, “How are you?” think of the good and bright side of life—not just answer the default—smile, and with all your heart, say, “I’m doing great!” You’ll never know what positive thinking can do.

The next time you ask someone how he or she’s doing, remember she might be in deep sh!#@ right now but she will say that she’s fine. Might as well say, “Great to hear that!” She might need that extra lift.

Merry Christmas!

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by 21st of December…

I would be 31. Awesome. Just when I’m starting to get the hang of things, a worldwide scare is on. How would I even celebrate if it’s really the end of the word, or humanity, in that case?  lol.

The 30th year of my habitation on earth was a start of everything for me. No, I didn’t get pregnant—that would be my third. It was a beginning of an awakening. Call it maturity or consciousness… I don’t really have a term for it.

I started to see things differently, like I laugh when my husband gets mad. I’m not mad or something. I just find him amusing when he’s angry with the same things over and over again like it was his first time to do it. I don’t get angry with the same thing more than twice. If I can’t change it the way it should work for me, I’d just let it be. Too much worries equals wrinkles.

I started to know what I want from each situation, from each experience. That feeling you’re up to something but you can’t be sure what it is–now I can point a finger to it. I now know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a homemaker and everything that comes with it, even earning. My mom’s influence must be very strong. I didn’t feel that we were left out as kids physically by our mother. Though she would critic on our handmade cards and our drawings, she loves us all the same. I don’t want to be forever in the rat race of moms earning a living, coming home tired and grumpy from a day’s work. I am doing that now, unfortunately. I take a nap in the jeepney on my way home so I won’t be that bone-tired when I get home. Thinking happy thoughts and planning what to do during the night helped to avoid the unnecessary chaos. I long for the day I’d be a homemaker. It would really affect the finances, but there are a lot of ways to earn. I also want to travel and paint and write letters and send them to the post office. There’s email, but there’s more essence to a message when it’s handwritten and the enveloped lick-shut with a pretty postage stamp on it. I will write to my friends who are living or working in other countries. That will surprise them!

I started to understand my parents. I used to say they were heartless and won’t give me the chance to have a better life. Now that my eldest is able to communicate his feelings and opinions very well, there is this great need to come home and ask my mom what to answer or what to do. I came to understand that they are human, just like everybody else. When they got together and produced eight kids, I can only imagine what’s in their minds. I now understand that they need a break from the rearing and caring. They didn’t give us much because they didn’t have real jobs, but my parents gave us independence and perseverance and humility and discipline. I did not see these things before. But now, I realized they were doing the best they could with the resources available to them. They made mistakes, they decided too late, they didn’t earn enough; but they didn’t give up on us either. They’re still together after all the hardships. I can see in my dad’s eyes that he loves my mom more than I can comprehend. My mom loves us more than herself; otherwise, she could have left us. I remember all the sacrifices known to me that my mom did. I am really thankful for her patience. Because of her, I am still with my family. To just give up is something I cannot imagine my mom would do nor approve of. I learn from her that everything is temporary even though she’s been struggling herself for more than two decades.

I started to love myself. Really love myself. Because of this, I am able to show and share love to my family. I live by the saying “You cannot give what you do not have.”

I started to forgive from the bottom of my heart. It’s totally difficult to let go of the past that wounded you deepest. But that’s what it is…the past. There is no time machine you can use to go back and slap the heck out of those people who caused you pain. There’s just moving forward.

I started to be honest with myself. Have I been lying to myself all these times? Not really. It’s like I used to deny that I’m not okay, that I’m not bleeding, that I have not changed though that change was evident and not good. I denied I was bitter. Well, nobody told me I was bitter, but I knew. I just brushed the idea off my head. I laugh all the time. What made me change course? I really don’t know. It just came to me that I’m not okay and this pain in my heart is still here and it will take maybe forever to erase. Being honest with myself gives me a new perspective. I can now handle the negatives. I now know how to act and react, maybe not too properly, but at least I know how to keep peace within me.

I started to read and write again! After a lot of books were left unread and dusty; I decided to read each and finish one after another. I’m going to make a book review for each. 🙂

I could list a few more, but I’d stick to the list above.

So, by December 21st, I’m ready to learn more and have more adventures. Perhaps, it’s time to travel and write documentaries.

I am now a year older and wiser, permit me to say.

Cheers!

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hain ka?

nia ra ko…

wa man ko kakita

hap siguro ka

way binoang, asa lagi ka?

dia ra lagi ko!

sige kag pangita

sige kag saba

kakita na imong baba?

paghunahuna gud…

na, wa gyud ko kakita nimo oi.

nag-unsa man ka diha ’day?

naa koy gipangita ’ya.

kinsa man?

ako.

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