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Posts Tagged ‘woman’

When asked to choose, I usually freak out. Even now. It makes me feel like my life is depending on it and so is the welfare of the entire universe. Oftentimes, I choose the “saving others” option. I do not want to think about me whenever I choose. Well, the after-party depression usually sets in after realizing the decision is not working out for me.

This week, I was asked to choose. Well, I was asked to choose on my first day here. I chose art. I love my job as a book page designer, been at it for years. Now that I am asked again, I cannot help but think of the way I choose and the usual consequences of the decisions I made before. Should I stay or not? Should I choose art or editing? Either way, I get to work on a book–a thing I do not want to live without, still a win-win for passion.

For a couple of days, I tried to think about what my decision would be. I thought about the pros and cons between page design and book editing. I thought about what I like to do now and what I want to be later. You see, I always picture my olden days (if I’d be blessed to get to that part) as a respectable old lady—drinking her tea and reading, but without spectacles. I picture my old self to be gardening, making cookies and jelly for my grandkids, painting, and answering crossword puzzles. Why am I into the future now? Because I want this career decision to be a decision I will make that will settle me down from the what ifs. If I will stay as a book page designer, until when will I be a page designer? Will I be a designer when I’m fifty? If I choose to be an editor, will I be editing when I’m fifty? Am I willing to set aside time to study and learn and understand the world of editing?

My questions and the thoughts I have these past few days led me to take a new step–to decide for myself and for my future as a person, as a woman. Yes, I have made a decision over these two before, but that was before I experienced not able to buy even a single sachet of shampoo for my own hair.

Editing is not an easy job. It takes years to master (is this the right word?) and be really familiar with the rules of the style you follow. It takes a lot of reading, of studying, of understanding when to choose readability over rules. It is meticulous, arduous, and your eyes will be red from hours of reading. No matter, I will strive to train and learn more. I have been there before, and I was overwhelmed with the amount of effort I have to exert to become a good editor. I was afraid then—afraid of making too many mistakes, of forgetting the rules, of poor edits. I realized, all that I was afraid of is my pride crushed. I am now ready for this new, structured adventure.  A lot of my editor friends made it, and I will too.

On a funny note, it’s better to be an editor. When my children are asked about my occupation, they will say I am a teacher. They find it a task to explain what I do for a living. Answering, “My mom is an editor” would be an easier one, isn’t it? 

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The Damsel’s

I may belong to a legit circle of the brilliants. But I don’t want to belong there. There’s a huge difference in what is in my heart and what I can do. They may be correlated, but I don’t want to give them the chance to mingle. There are a lot of things a person can do, but the passion is the most wanted thing his heart desires.

In a personal meditation, I find what I am doing now is in some degree uncomfortable. With a lot of things going on in my head—calculating included (I don’t like number, ugh!)—I can’t seem to focus on polishing the finer sands. And most of all, I don’t belong. It’s like squeezing into a bubble that would just pop every time I touch it.

For many a time, I never belong anyway—not to anybody, not even to a group. I just like it when I’m alone. Hell, no, I am not a loner. I just can’t fit right in most of the time. There’s a free spirit in each of us. I opt to use that part of me a lot of times. The stack of notebooks is a proof to that.

For a venture, I choose to fly. It is difficult, especially now, to be standing alone and doing it all. A call has been sounding off for years now. It’s about time to heed it—sack, pans, and a couple of pairs of little feet along. I may sound selfish, but I have been living a lie. I’d rather be called the bad guy and living true to myself than the good guy who weeps in a corner at night. I’m sure the universe will understand. I’ll make them see reason.

Inasmuch as I wanted to keep my principles in check, I cannot but make a tough deal with my cards. I don’t have much left. No more aces to play. But I still have myself and two beauties to carry through. I know this has been way overdue, and I would understand the criticism. I’d accept those and your cash too.

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Blog of a Lost Boy

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OUR POETRY CORNER

VICEDOMINI OF THE WUP New Name, New Location! Welcome to our poetry corner, The Poets’ Corner NEW SITE! The name has been changed to (our) because it belongs to all of us who post! Sincerely hope you find the change easy and exciting to be here! Please feel free to post and comment your thoughts so we all can enjoy!

Dean J. Baker - Poetry, and prose poems

My books: https://www.amazon.com/Dean-J.-Baker/e/B00IC6PGQM